Archive for April, 2008
not that the party was awful. but that was the theme of the night. so we were supposed to be wearing t-shirts you wouldn’t be caught dead in. t-shirts that would make others cringe. the host wore Black Lovers Are The Best. and she was worried that she might offend some people. but only whites get worried about shit like that. for me, the cringe-worthy part of it was the fact that she was going to get guys hitting on her all night. to be honest, i think the two best t-shirts of the night were ones that i came up with. cos everyone else had lame ass lines like Hillary is Hot and I Suck Cock. Har har.
this is what i wore
stef wanted me to come up with one for her, i think i nailed it.
what looks like gibberish at first turns out to be… gibberish
we found a paunch amidst the party
his friends wanted us to take a picture together
love this shot of my designer neighbour friends
me: hey, if i were to watch one will ferrell movie to get this american humour you’re talking about, which one would it be?
my art director: oh my god yvonne, it’s called humor. not american humor.
the lows can be really really really low, but i have some highs too. not as high as the lows can be low, but sometimes i do just ok.
it’s been one helluva tough tough journey.
how’s eating lunch alone in your own office for excitement? or trying your darnest to keep up with what’s happening at work for that matter? perhaps just sitting in front of the TV and trying to watch whatever your housemate is watching, just to have him hand you the remote and walk away? how glamorous. the high life indeed. my ass.
try feeling useless. left out. and like a huge burden. the loneliness is crushing, the helplessness overwhelming. my self-esteem is at an all-time low. to begin with, i was never confident about my writing abilities. even when i was working with my favorite partner, i’d still have bad days when i’d feel like a horrible writer, dragging him down. now, i have no one to check back with, no one to give me feedback. all i have is a nice CD who’d write my lines. talk about having a feeling of accomplishment. now all i look forward to is having some time alone. losing myself in the throng of the city, or in the comfort of my room.
apparently i’m already doing well on the social scene, as compared to others in my shoes. and if you think about it, i am the shyest person in the world forcing myself on others when i’m feeling up to it. but it’s still at the superficial level, it’s still scratching at the surface, it’s still an empty gaping hole at the end of the day.
it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever, ever had to do. yet i’m hanging on. because there must be something to be learnt from this all.
i used to ask myself, why does life just keep getting harder? but maybe that’s not it. maybe it’s just that we’re ready to take on bigger challenges. or at least getting ourselves ready for something bigger
.
good days, bad days, roller coaster days.
i told a friend how i was feeling, and he said it was as if i’m a cyborg, learning to be human. i see you guys nodding away as you read this already.
but for now i’m alright. now i’m fine. until the next pothole comes along. then i’ll just make a spin on the highway and skid across the road from one kerb to the other. but i’ll survive.
getting lost, 